I have found that I have been avoiding to write about our move to Colorado. The avoidance is for multiple reasons. To write is to admit how hard it’s been and to admit that is to then make it real. If I can keep pretending that all is well then maybe, just maybe, I can convince myself that this isn’t totally sucky.
But that’s the thing. It is totally sucky.
The second reason why I haven’t written about our move to Colorado is due to the belief that if I do write about the real and the honest than I am weak. If I admit that this move wasn’t as glorious and amazing as we have made it seem, then it would show how I am not very strong or capable.
And honestly, who wants to read this crap anyways?
But writing has always been such a therapeutic outlet for me. I have always had a journal since I was little and to express my thoughts and feelings through this medium is extremely healing and life giving. So if anything, this is for me. To process. Reflect. Feel. Even the tough stuff.
In the middle of December, Lucas, my husband, was given the amazing opportunity to interview for a dream company doing a dream job. He had been unhappy with his current job and was ready for something new and different after 3 years. The process happened so quickly. He was offered the job and we knew it was the right move for us. We packed, sold our home and were on the road a month later leaving friends, community, our home and amazing little life we had built in sweet Bellingham, Washington.
We arrogantly thought… “We can do it all again… we connected with people in Bellingham so easily. We will have new friends and a new life in no time.”
But that hasn’t happened. We have been humbled and are struggling 3.5 months into this now wondering… how do we proceed?
For me, not working full-time and having no other outlets has caused a struggling to find my place here in Denver and an even deeper sense of confusion. I have never spent this much time by myself in my life (that is not an exaggeration) and I feel lost in where I am suppose to apply my gifts and talents. The options are almost endless which isn’t as helpful as you would think. I feel like a small fish in a big pond and am constantly thinking… “I could do this? Or this? Or what about that?”
And though I have moved a majority of my life with being a military brat, it doesn’t make it any easier. Sure I can rationalize my feelings and logically say, “This isn’t forever.” But my feelings of sadness and grief are still there and are still very real. I can point in my life to the multiple times I have felt these same things and the ways my life didn’t stay stagnant. But nonetheless, I still feel the pain and they are valid.
So with a lack of community, friendship and purpose, this move has just kind of sucked all around and I find myself holding back tears. Randomly the sadness will bubble up while I am walking around at Target, watching friends get a cup of coffee or just sitting on my couch. And it just sucks.
None of this reflects Denver. It’s an amazing city with so much to do and I have met so many nice ladies. I am beyond thankful for the ones that have out reached and taken us under their wings here. I am thankful for the people that text and check-in even if I don’t respond. The ways in which God is showing me He is ever present and cares about us deeply.