process

Over the past so many months, I have been going through a process. The process of grieving. Thankfully, this was not a loss of a person but the loss of a significant part of my life for the past 8ish years. This process of dealing with no longer being apart of ministry had stages, like anything else….

The first stage was denial.

“No, I am fine… great! Truly.”

But I wasn’t fine, great or okay. I was numb. I didn’t want to feel the sadness or hurt that came along with saying, “I am not apart of this anymore.” I filled Lucas and I’s time up with friends and adventuring. Anything to just not think about the major shift I had just made in my life.

Now I know that sounds silly. It was just ministry that you VOLUNTEERED for Nina. But for me, it wasn’t… (see past post sacrifice). This numbness only lasted for a couple months until I couldn’t take it anymore.

The next stage was acknowledgement.

At this same time, I attended Collide’s event Authentes (Collide is a non-profit organization that is the bees knees – find more information by clicking here) where I came face to face with the fact that I was not being authentic or real about what was going on with me. This then started the road to counseling and digging in deep with the why. I learned quickly this is much bigger than just struggling with no longer being in ministry…

I was led to next stage of acceptance.

I think I am still in this stage of accepting my brokenness. Accepting my wrong thinking of how I love/interact with others. Accepting the work that needs to be done to be healthy in my thinking and actions. This time has been full of stillness, listening and lie seeking (there were a lot). Lies I fight on the daily…

I only have purpose or value if I am doing something. 

I am only loved when people say I am. 

Helping people aids me in earning their love.

…only to name a few.

Maybe you find yourself fighting some lies? A book that has helped so much in this process is “Changes that Heal” by Dr. Henry Cloud.  I love this book because it doesn’t just identify incorrect thinking but digs into why you are thinking that way.

Let us be still.

Let us accept the brokenness.

Let us keep fighting the lies.

Let us show ourselves grace when we fail.

antonina grace